Blessings

I started my morning thinking about my blessings.  I have my health, my family, my church, my job, my friends, a car that runs, animals who love me...and peace in my heart.  That in itself is such a huge blessing.  I can remember the sleepless nights, the turmoil that sat in the pit of my stomach for days on end, the loneliness that seemed to never leave.  I had absolutely no peace in my life.  I had no idea how I was going to pay my bills,  feed my daughters, feed the little dog who never left my side...more than that, I had no hope of finding love again.  Not the love a man brings, the love of self again.  You see, I like so many others took the painful reality of divorce as a reflection of ME.  I figured that since I wasn't the woman my husband was looking at longingly, I was ugly.  I was fat.  I was unattractive.  I was unwanted.  I wasn't enough.  I couldn't look at myself as having value or worth...outside of being a mom and an ear to others, a shoulder for their pain or a voice of empathy.  I lost the hope of finding anyone who would want me...because of course, I was unwanted.  Right???  Wrong!!  I fell in that trap so many fall into, self-pity.  We didn't divorce because I wasn't enough.  We divorced, period.  Things happen.  Life happens.  End of Story.

Once I got through the self-loathing, self inflicted guilt, patterns of depression....and truly examined myself...I realized...I'm amazing!  I am worthy!  I am beautiful, happy, wonderful, amazing, sexy, smart, NICE!! I began feeling it again for myself without needing affirmation from others.  I began seeking my own approval and telling myself how much I love me.  I do!  I love who I was as a girl, young lady and now woman of today.  It's a good day to start over...each and every day I have the choice to be THAT girl...the woman of integrity, of value, of worth.  I am she!

I know I make mistakes....wow, so many.  I know I have this side of me that doesn't always see the positive, but man...I hate that side.  I want, deeply want...to be the woman I am proud of.  My daughters can be proud of...the man who says he loves me can be proud of.  Today, I'm doing my best to look past the negative things life throws my way...stay in the positive and keep walking with my head held high.  Love starting over!!