Exercise

Oh my word! This has been an area of complete confusion in my life! In my younger years I had the metabolism of a 4 year old.  I could eat anything and maintain my lean lengthy figure.... those were the days!! Lol!! Then came babies and ohhhhh how it changed.  I remember listening to the influential women in my life warning of change.  How they'd comment that my poor eating habits would one day catch up to me... but I knew me.  I knew I would always be thin!! Hahaha....I was a tad delusional.  The years of perfecting family meals consisting of the appetizers, main course, sides, bread and desert began showing on my 5'8" frame.  My once size 8 figure began growing and I just dismissed it.  It seemed that was the norm for women in my circle at that time.  I can remember shopping for clothes at one time and feeling mortified, but again... I dismissed it.  My self image took a back seat to the compliments of my cooking and the satisfaction I gained from happy eaters.

I stopped looking at my youthful photos -I could no longer relate to that girl.  it wasn't until my marriage began unraveling that I began thinking about my body again, or my image.  You know that divorce diet? I went on that thing!! I embraced the lack of hunger, the nausea and saw my body shrink. In my confused state of mind I felt I was on the road to becoming healthy... again, I was wrong!  I needed to exercise something far greater than my body.  I needed to exercise my mind, my self value and worth.  That feeling that hit when I realized I was no longer the object of my ex-husband's desire was by far worse than the pounds I had padded myself with.  Somehow I needed to want to look at myself again, want to dress cute again, want to feel beautiful on the inside and outside again - but that process took time.

I can recall the first stages of liking me again.  It began by prayer.  LOTS and LOTS of prayer.  I saw a wonderful Christian Counselor who helped me realize the feelings of low self esteem, doubt, bitterness were all normal in the divorce process.  But I really wasn't ready to love myself.  I self sabotaged.  I made terrible decisions, decisions that would bring further guilt and shame on myself over the next couple years following my divorce.  Poor relationship choices are the worst.  I needed someone to constantly affirm I was wanted...and the man I chose to give that affirmation was truly the last person I should have ever dated or fell for.  But I did...and again, paid the price.  Through that time though, I realized again, what I didn't want for myself and my daughters.  I had to exercise my inner strength and move on.  I know in that decision, I found a Jamie I had never known.  I was worth so much more than what I had allowed myself to believe and receive.  Change was happening.

I wish I could say that was my last mistake...it wasn't.  But what I can say is....there came a point in my life when I realized what I wouldn't go through again, not one more day.  That was my turning point.  I know I had begun allowing God to restore all my brokenness.  I know I opened that part of my heart and mind back up to Him to where He was able to begin the healing process.  I needed to trust in Him again, myself, my family, my friends before "love" with any other person was ever going to be possible and sustainable.  How thankful I am that God is a God of love, healing, restoration...a God who never leaves us.

Today...whether I have a man in my life or not.  I know I am worthy, loved, wanted, needed, adored, by my children, family, friends, church, BY GOD, and myself.  Don't get me wrong....I am truly blessed to be loved by the man in my life.  He has added to the joy in my heart in more ways than I can count.  But in the terrible chance that he would choose to exit stage right....I know THIS time...I am strong and healthy.  I have exercised my inner strength and continue to daily.  I am better than okay and will survive.  My prayers would be that doesn't happen, because I believe I have finally found the man who I want to finish my last chapter in life with.

Thankful today for everything in the past...because my present is beautiful - I am a blessed woman to be able to love myself again.  Have a wonderful day and know you are loved, beautiful, and enough!!