"Life is like a box of chocolates"

To me...the phrase from Forrest Gump is so true, "Life is like a box of chocolates"

My chocolate of choice is made by #Chocolatier Blue.  The creator of these fine chocolates takes great pride in creating an experience for you.  It's not about eating just another piece of chocolate...it's about transporting you to an orchard full of pistachio trees and cherry trees and infusing the two flavors into your mouth at once - or taking you back to your childhood memories of eating an amazing rootbeer float - you close your eyes, open your mouth and in goes the chocolate...you are in heaven with each piece.  My mouth is watering right now!!!

This creator of fine chocolate pushes the envelope...he makes you try something new...something I've never tried before.  Will I like it?  Will it be a bitter taste in my mouth or sweet and inviting?  Like Sunflower and Orange Marmalade or Sage Honey, will I like them?  I can't help myself...I have to try them.  I have to experience the flavor for myself.  I have to know if I've been missing out on some exotic combination enveloped in smooth, fine chocolate!!!

I have tasted some chocolates that were flat out gross, leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.  I see their labels and packaging and pass them on by, no need to waste my time, money or energy on them ever again.  

It's the same with people, places and things that have pulled me down or left me feeling like I was empty inside.  Those things that steal  joy, that weigh us down...it's time to look at their labels, packaging and realize they aren't good or healthy for us anymore and move on.  In the end they only leave a bitter taste and we remember once again why we put them down in the first place. 

Find the things that make you smile...find the things that transport you to a happy place and put down the things that are bitter in your life.  Make a positive change in your life today.  Life is too short to waste it on things that have hurt you, caused you strife or kept you from your fullest potential.  Today is a great day to start over!!! 

I for one am looking forward to a great day and a beautiful healthy future.  I'm tasting joy, love, peace and happiness and I'm going to savor it for a looooong time.  It all started with a step, believing I deserve it... I do, and so do you!  

Happy Thursday All!!!

Steps

For me...going to the gym and working out in front of other people could  equally be like walking a tight rope over the grand canyon!!! Scared to death!!  I don't know why...it just scares me.  I have so much confidence in my life...UNTIL...I walk through the doors of the gym.  I see the younger more fit individuals in there with their Victoria Secret leggings, and bulging muscles and I think to myself..."what am I doing here?!"  I've donated to the gym for 2 years...with an automatic withdraw on my checking account...OH MY GOSH!  What a waste of money!!! I would go in for a couple of weeks, do a quick 45 min on one machine...and bolt!  Never make eye contact, rarely talk...and that's just not me!! I thrive in a crowd of peers.  I can walk right up to someone and begin a conversation...but there, in that gym...I become a coward of sorts.  I turtle up in a shell and move towards the door.  It's been trying to say the least.

I have to give my guy some serious credit.  He has me in that gym at least 2x a week now.  Not for a quick walk on the Elliptical, nope...he has me working out with him and a personal trainer one night a week doing strap workouts and the other night we do core and spin.  I can see and feel the difference in my body.  He wasn't able to go with me a couple weeks ago and ya know what?  I went...without him and did great!!!  I pushed myself to do what he would have me do...I lifted weights, I did the pull up station, I did cross country on the the Elliptical...all the while, knowing I had made a big step.  I was proud of myself...I AM proud of myself!!!

What obstacle stands in your way of bettering yourself?  Is it self confidence, is it fear, is it doubt?  What is it??  Write it down...and take a step closer towards your goal.  Don't stop until you reach it.  Half the battle is fought in our mind.  I just have to remind myself that this is for me...for my mental and physical health.  It's okay that I'm uncomfortable,  I just have to keep with it and pretty soon I find myself comfortable.  I am making friends, I am more confident in my surroundings.

Starting over in life doesn't have to be some major transformation...it's taking a step.  It's taking a step towards bettering your life.  Is it looking for a job that pays more, offers a benefit package?  Is it moving out of a downtown apartment to something on the other side of town which gives you a better view? Is it riding your bike to work instead of driving to better your health?  Is it taking that step towards love - a love you feel like you don't deserve?  What's holding you back?  Take a step today for yourself...and another tomorrow...just one step at a time.

Thank you for reading...I apologize that I'm not a great writer.  =)
Let's have a great day today!!!

Beauty from ashes

Not sure how many of you have ever heard this phrase but to me it brings much hope. 

Have you ever seen the torched country sides after a terrible fire?  For a length of time it's just ugly, charred and dismal looking.  Then as mother nature begins to pour out her rain, the sun begins to shine on the dark, things begin to happen.  Grass begins to grow, new sprouts begin to pop up, wild flowers bloom and before too long you have a new and beautiful landscape.  

The same thing happens with us.  We go through terrible times in our life but thank God they don't have to last!  We have hope for better tomorrows.  We don't have to live amongst the reminders of our past.  We can step out of our negative state of mind and walk in blessings because we have been promised those things.  

Here's to a great day - filled with hope - filled with beauty!!

Happy Tuesday =) 

Alone

5 letters forming one word which absolutely can cause a person to spin into a depressed state and to think and act irrationally.  

I know we have all been there and some of you are there right now.  You go to bed and get up alone...you drive to work alone, you get the kids ready alone, attend school functions, movies, dinners, parties...alone.  Sometimes...even with your partner - you feel alone.  It's probably one of the worst emotions I've ever experienced when with someone.

I can remember back to the days when my marriage was crumbling before my eyes, as he and I shared the same home, bedroom, bathroom, dinner table.  I had never felt more alone.  We had become strangers to each other....the conversation had no depth or meaning, there was no longer any physical contact which made me feel alive and wanted - if our skin touched it sent an electric current through my body - it hurt.  I was alone.

I can also remember during the major bad decision of a relationship when I moved in with a man (terrible decision) for a year...I "thought" I knew him, "thought" I was in love, "thought" I had found Mr. Right...I had known him for over 20 years - of course I was right! WRONG!!! Soooo wrong!  I found myself in that same situation....with someone who made me feel alone, afraid I would once again be physically alone - but emotionally I was already there.  I sought much counseling after that ended...and thankfully so.  My life was in shambles.

Once I finally realized I was better off alone, my life became so much more peaceful.  I was comfortable in my own skin, I did things for me.  I didn't seek after anyone's approval, I wasn't waiting for an invite for love...I began loving myself.  I began pampering myself, I began taking time with my daughters by taking them out on dates to the movies, dinner, or shopping.  Feeding into them how they should be treated and be made to feel by a man.  Showing them it was okay to be single and happy.

We crave attention from someone we like/love/want/desire....we want to know they are thinking about us throughout the day and can't wait to see us at the end of the day.  We want to know they want to kiss us as much as we want to kiss them.  We are all looking for that certain special someone who gets us (praying I have finally found my guy!! lol), on an emotional and physical level.  And that is OK.  It's is natural, it's how God designed us to look for our helpmate.  The Bible tells us that God never leaves us or forsakes us....and as our heart desires that relationship with God...it's true in our carnal life as well....

I am praying today for everyone who feels alone.  That you may find peace, that you may know that even in your darkest hours God loves you, reaches for you and wants to be with you.  You are never alone.  The feelings don't always disappear immediately, but they do.

Find a local church or some sort of group to get involved with.  Seek counseling if you're in a state of despair....but please don't give up on yourself or those around you...you are needed, wanted, loved and never alone.

Thank you for reading....Have a wonderful day and know someone is praying for you today =)

Worth

On our journey to start over we have to remind ourselves it's okay to accept the good things that come into our life.  We are worthy enough - we are valuable - we are beautiful - we can forgive ourselves - we can be and are free.

Don't let your past - dictate your future - better than that, don't let it dictate your today.  Be present today.  Enjoy today.  You only get one April 21, 2015.

Have a great day - remember you are worthy!!!

Smiling

They say...don't cry because it's over- smile because it happened.  

All of us have walked a completely different walk.  Some have lived in the same town their entire lives, others have moved from town to town or state to state...each of us on our own journey.  Each step forming us into the person we are today.  I am sometimes amazed by my journey.  I have lived in  - California, Missouri, Oklahoma, North Carolina, and Okinawa, Japan - with lasting relationships spread throughout.  What amazes me, is I can still relate to certain things in my life during those time periods.  And if I can....so can you.  

In starting over - it doesn't mean we forget everything - erase it all and literally start all over with a clean and fresh slate - it means we pick up from where things ended and begin anew.  Take the good with you, leave the bad.  Take your smiles and lessons learned and leave the heartache and disappointments.  Learn from them, grow, and infuse what's positive into what's present.  It's not always an easy process but it's doable.  We all have good memories in our past - just remember, they are memories - they are no longer something to chase after - but it's okay to think back on good times. Smile because it happened.  Smile because without that step in your life, you wouldn't be able to enjoy where you are today with the ones in your life in the here and now. 

I'm blessed.  I have some (as someone recently said) phenomenal memories in my memory bank....however, I'm looking forward to what's ahead.  I don't look back on my memories with want.  I don't look back on them wishing I was there again, those days are over...but what happens is something will trigger a memory and I'll reflect on it with fondness and move on - I don't stay there or dwell...and you shouldn't either.  Live in the present, live in the moment, live for today with those who are here with you.  Make new memories - beautiful new memories!!!   I look forward to each day - everything we do counts.  Give someone something wonderful to remember today - put a smile on their face.  

Have a wonderful Monday!

Friendships

Wouldn't it be nice to always look at life through rose colored glasses?  See everything beautiful at all times?  Or maybe have the scent of something beautiful in our minds at all times?  As I sit typing this, I'm looking at a beautiful bouquet of flowers a dear friend delivered to me this week while I was definitely NOT out smelling the roses or seeing life through a blissful state.   How many of us have found ourselves in that pit of despair?  I know I have.

I remember during the days of the looming divorce as I had packed up my girls and anything else I could and moved into my 5th wheel (in a trailer park), I felt so alone, felt so unloved, felt so lost.  I felt like a complete and utter failure.  How in the world was I ever going to get back on my feet and take care of my girls.  I had to walk away from a great job that I loved, moved away from close friends and family, and completely started over again.  I had a car that barely ran.  I took a $9.00 an hour pay cut to have a job in the area, I had no health benefits, I had nothing.  I was sinking further and further into the depths of nothingness.

It was a low point in my life.  I can remember, how friends began showing me acts of kindness.  Helping me with my daughters, fixing us dinner, calling me, or dropping by the trailer park to visit with me and cheer me up.  I was 37, just lost a 17 year marriage, and starting over - from scratch.  I needed the help of others, I needed my friends and family.  I needed to feel HOPE again.

As I look back on the past 5-6 years I can see how my wonderful friends have helped me so much along the way, and I'm so thankful for them.  From a girls night out, to a one on one cry session, to a movie, some amazing sugar cookies, a glass of wine, or a work-out session at the gym or local track....I've leaned on them and they on me.  We've laughed and cried together, we've prayed for one another, we've encouraged one another.  I have to say, it's because of my faith in God, my faith in myself and my amazing friends and family that I'm back to a place of health and happiness in my life. I am blessed to have the greatest cheer squad ever.

I know we all want that someone special in our lives.  It's a beautiful gift to be able to have a best friend to laugh with, hold hands with, cuddle with, dream with, dance with, share our days with...all of that....but don't lose sight of your friends along the way.  They shouldn't take priority over your relationship but they shouldn't be forgotten.  Take time to be there for them, take time to encourage them, bake them some cookies just because.  Keep your friendships alive - you just never know what they are quietly battling.

Take time today to send someone a text, call them or stop by with a Starbucks - brighten their day - help them see life through rose colored glasses.

Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for being a reader, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts.  Life is sweeter today because of friendships near and far!

Rest

How many of us totally feel rested? Not just physically but mentally?  I have read and read that our bodies need at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep to maintain our health.  I have read countless articles in my quest at becoming healthier and all of them insist rest is one of the most important contributions we can give ourselves to lead a better lifestyle.

I find this to be true.  I know when I'm at the point of exhaustion, it's because I haven't given myself that gift.  I'm too busy trying to please everyone else that I lose sight of my own needs.  Taking a long hot bath at the end of my day used to be a nightly 8:00 PM ritual...I have lost that and need to get it back.  Soaking in lavender with Epsom salt or some other relaxing concoction not only soothes my tired body but rests my mind.  There's something about letting the day wash away - I am able to sleep better, I'm able to clear my mind and take time for me.

Over the past few nights, I have been restless again,  the trials of life hit me and I wasn't able to release them like I have become accustomed to.  They weighed me down.  A heavy heart and mind do not create a recipe for rest.  So after a long talk with someone I love and placing my trust back in God rather than myself and own experiences, I soaked it off last night.  I forced myself to let go of fear and anxiety, hurt and disappointment and let it wash down the drain.  I was able to sleep -  It wasn't 8 hours, but I did sleep.

I think when we learn to be kind to ourselves it only benefits those around us.  If we are at our best, our mind is strong and clear, our spirit fresh and renewed, our bodies are maintained, we are able to go the distance.

Be good to yourself today - There's no way you can begin a new walk when you're too tired to take the first step.  I'm going to listen to my own advice - trust me.  Let's have a great Thursday!!!  :)

#startingover15 - we can start over in many ways - one is being kind to ourself.

Protection

As a mother, when I first knew I was carrying my babies, I began rubbing my stomach, talking to the baby growing inside me...eating healthier, doing all I could to care for and nurture the life inside me. Each day a bond was built..  After my babies were born I began loving on them, kissing, hugging, coddling, soothing them when they cried, rocking them to sleep, holding them.  They learned my scent, my touch, they found comfort in my love.  A sense of protection rose up inside me.  If they cried, I soothed, if they fell, I picked them up.  If they were out of my sight, I searched for them.  I didn't pray for that emotion to form, it was there, strong and present.

I can remember when my baby was in kindergarten, she would get off the bus at our neighbor Billie's house (Billie was a sweet woman who watched her for an hour until I or her dad was home).  One day Billie called me frantic.  Aubrey didn't get off the bus.  I was working out of town at the time and remember calling 911 immediately, letting them know a 5 year old little girl was missing.  I called the school, they remember her boarding the bus.  I remember calling her dad, we felt panic and fear like never before....as we all began rushing home, fear set in for us all.  Where was she?  Who had her?  Was she safe?  Was she scared?  Did she feel alone?  Ohhhh the fear, so heavy it took my very breath, so forceful I felt paralyzed...but I had to keep going, I had to drive, I had to search.

I remember pulling into my driveway - seeing the local police cars at my house and I began choking back the tears.  For some reason, it made it all too real for me.  Were they there to give me bad news, were they going to tell me they found her?  I got out of my car, walked towards the officers and then I saw her, sitting on the front steps.  I cried and cried.  The neighbor was there, she was with her...comforting her.  Aubrey was oblivious to the fear...oblivious to it all.  She was home, she felt safe, she just got off the bus at her house...not the neighbors.  Thinking she was a big girl and could be home and play with her toys...that's what she did.  She was playing with them inside her closet when the officers found her.  I remember holding both my girls so tight after that scare...so thankful I had them, so thankful we were together.

Now, they are nearly grown and one has started a family of her own.  The protection mode is a tad different.  It's protection of their hearts.  I don't want anyone hurting them, mistreating them, abusing them, or scaring them.  I still feel that momma bear rise up if anyone hurts them.  That's what momma's are supposed to do.  My babies will never be too old for their mom, they'll never be too old that they don't want me to hold them when they are scared, hurting, or just need their mom.

On our paths to start over...let's not forget to protect what we have.  Let's not forget we are all like children at times and need a hug, need to be reassured in this walk, we need to know we are loved.  It's okay to fall...but it's how we help each other back up that matters.

Have a good day, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts...they helped me through a dark hour in my life.

Broken

What do we do when we are broken? How do we as humans glue the broken pieces back together?  How do we even pick the pieces up when we have no strength to carry on?  

I was talking with a dear friend last night, listening to her as she spoke words of wisdom into me.  Because you see, I am broken today.  I feel that all too familiar pain that has plagued me in times past.  It's well known, sweeps in - knots my stomach - cramps my chest - fills my eyes with tears and removes the smile from my face.  I hate it...but somehow it's back.  

This time... - I won't allow it to stay long.  I won't allow it to rip me to my core as it did with my divorce.  But there will be scars, no doubt.  I know I have a God who is with me, He comforts me, guides me and loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.  That's a beautiful thing to be reminded of in broken times.  

So if you read this today...please say a prayer for me.  I'm a bit out of sorts.  In my quest to start over...I've hit a bump in the road that I'm going to have to climb over, go around, whatever I have to do in order to be at peace in this situation.  

Trusting in God to make me whole again - and I know He will.

Laughter

The best medicine in the world!  Seriously.   I am a woman who loves to laugh and enjoy life.  I can remember my dad (he passed away in 2011) making our family laugh with his funny stories or silly antics.  He was always the life of the party, the guy that people gravitated towards...why?  Because he had a way of making people feel good about themselves.  He had a way of making people laugh.  I learned a lot from that wonderful man.  I can remember him pushing the lawnmower and enjoying life.  I can remember him washing my step-mother's car and singing a song.  It didn't matter what he was doing, he was happy.

My dad didn't have the easiest life either...he suffered greatly.  My mother's death was a huge tragedy in my dad's life.  My mom passed in their 12th year of marriage.  We lived in a small town in Missouri, away from my father's family here in California.  Although he had a huge support network in Missouri, it wasn't the same for him, I'm sure.  He was left as a single dad with a 17 year old son, and two little girls, my sister was 10 and I was 7.  My mother was the Leave it to Beaver mom...she cooked, cleaned, worked in the yard...made my dad's lunch and completely handled all things with us kids.  She also had a part-time job working at one of the local grocery stores...she was amazing.  She brought the music into the home by singing and playing the piano.  How dad loved to get his guitar out and strum along with her.  The two would sing, laugh and dance.

In an instant, his life was changed.  I can remember my dad doing all he could.  He began doing the wash, cooking, trying to fix our hair (oh those tangles hurt so bad), not to mention maintain his job and then began cutting cords of wood to sell in order to fill the gap from my mom's missing wages.  My dad lost his reason to laugh.  Who could blame him???  Somewhere along the way....he began healing.  Somewhere along the way...we began laughing at our situation and laughter started filtering back in our home.  I can remember my dad trying to make gravy for the first time.....it tasted like glue.  As my sister, brother, dad and I tried choking it down...we laughed and laughed.  My sister sent a little note to our Aunt in California saying that dad fed it to the dogs and they probably wouldn't be able to bark for a week...lol.  We learned to cope, we learned to laugh again.  We had each other.

My dad went on to find a wonderful woman who shared many incredible years with him - laughing and enjoying life.  He had a beautiful finish, although far too short.  He finished strong, happy, in love and living life to it's fullest.  Because he learned to laugh again.

My dad taught me that no matter the struggle, no matter the storm, no matter the heartache, no matter the pain.  Your life has meaning and purpose.  He always told me, "Jamie Lynn, your best days are ahead of you." He was right.  I may have had some great memories in my past, but I am walking in my very best days!

My daughters bring me so much joy and happiness.  Their laughter is contagious, they are beautiful strong, funny, amazing women and I'm so proud of them.  My grandson's laughter can cause even the sourest person to crack a smile...and then there's this guy :). This man who can pull me out of a funk with just a look.  I'm so thankful to have found someone who doesn't give up.  Who doesn't throw in the towel when things get rocky but instead he's found a way to laugh with me.  He's found a way to smile with me.

Life is too short to be serious all the time.  Life is too short to have all your memories be filled with pain, bitterness and fear.  Learn to laugh, learn to smile, learn to enjoy each day!!! Smile today, laugh today...the sound is beautiful and catching!!! TRY IT!!! =)

Wanted!

I have a hard time...settling!!! I KNOW what I want, what I deserve and what I will have in my life, to not only "feel" happy and at peace but for me to truly live in that peace and happiness.  In my former married years I know I settled.  This was how it was going to be and I was going to accept it for what it was.  And although I "felt" happy through much of my married years, it wasn't until after my divorce that I knew what it was to be loved and wanted.

I'm a sucker for a good love song...a hopeless romantic!  I listen to the words of some of the songs out there and just wish for the man I love to tell me that's how he feels about me!! Lol... Sappy, but true.  And this song by Hunter Hayes... "Wanted"  gets to me every time!!! :)

Why would anyone settle in their dating/courting relationship, for someone who makes them guess if they are wanted, loved, needed, desired? Life is toooo short! It doesn't matter how long you've been with your partner... If you don't want someone else loving them... You need to make sure they know you want them!  This isn't just for the men... It's for the women too.  Sometimes we think that it's the man's job alone.  It's not.  I can tell you I make it a part of my daily routine to text him and tell him I love and appreciate him.  I never want to make the man I love feel as I have so many times in past relationships....unwanted.  

It doesn't matter how strong, independent, secure, or stable a person is... If they aren't cherished by the one they love... There is an emptiness that creeps in.  So do me a favor and do yourself a favor... If you've been distant from your partner, take the time to reaffirm your desire for a relationship with them.... Invest your time and attention in them... All it can do is build a stronger and healthier relationship... If you won't settle, don't expect them to either.  

It's a beautiful Sunday.... Make time for each other... Make him or her feel wanted today!!!! 

Forgiveness

I know it may be easier said than done....but if we can do this thing our lives will better for it.  Some may say, "Well you don't know what he or she did to me...you don't know about my childhood abuse or rape or the precious jewelry of my mother's that was stolen or you don't know about the drunk driver that took the life of my family member."  And all of that is terribly horrible painful and real valid reasons to not forgive someone.  The thing is...I have experienced more than my fair share of pain.  At 7 I lost my mother, at 15 I lost my brother, my father nearly 4 years ago, from 14-16 I was sexually abused by someone I trusted which set my life on a terribly confused path.  When I married, I married a man who was my best friend.  Not someone whom I was madly in love with, but someone I trusted...my marriage ended because I could no longer trust him.  I entered a relationship with a man I thought I could trust - he ultimately ended up in prison for a number of things....my life has known much pain and disappointment.  I have spent hours in counseling, in prayer, in tears, in doubt and confusion and have found...when I forgave each and every situation I was able to live again.  Actually...I've had to forgive myself too.

This forgiveness hasn't happened overnight...it's happened over time.  Lots and lots of time.  I find that I'm completely empathetic for those who are walking in emotional pain.  I just want you to know the longer you hold on to it, the more weighed down you become.  Forgiveness truly isn't for the person who hurt you...it's for you.  You gain freedom in forgiveness.  Freedom to live without carrying that weight around.  

I know I don't always forgive immediately...trust me, I have to work through the process.  That may take a day, a month, two or three years....and to be honest in a couple cases it took me nearly 20 years to forgive.  

I talked to my Aunt last night and our family had a terrible tragic thing happen several years back...this has changed my Aunt's family forever...and she said, "Jamie...we think we've forgiven and then something comes up and we realize we haven't...my response was..."We know God did not allow this to happen, it was not His Will...but what we do know is that it's a process to forgive and it may take time...God never says in His Word that forgiveness must happen immediately.  Just keep on working towards it, you'll get there."

Please know that I'm not judging anyone's situation.  I can't imagine your pain and your walk, nor do I make a bold statement that you would be wrong for holding on to your hurt and anger... I just want you to know for me, I have found so much peace for my new walk in life because of forgiveness, both given and received.

It's Friday...It's a new day...Just think about it...going into the weekend free.  Free from your past, walking in your present, looking forward to your future!!Have a beautiful day...and thank you for taking this journey with me...the journey of starting over in my 40's (42 to be exact).  :)

Insecure

Some words used to describe the feeling of insecurity may be afraid, anxious, shaky, unconfident, troubled, unstable...I can honestly say I've felt this way on more than one occasion in my life and still battle with it at times.

I think for those of us who've experienced troubled times in our lives it's natural to feel this way.  As kids we faced things we weren't equipped to handle, as young adults we were forced to grow up too fast, as adults we do our best to finagle our way through this thing called life.  Some of you were able to do it with little wreckage...I wasn't so lucky.  I don't dwell in the past which has been a great source of strength  in my life but I have held on to some crappy baggage filled with insecurities.  And wouldn't you know it...sometimes I take those garments out of that suitcase and try them on again.  I never like the way they feel or look on me but I still find myself putting them back on!!! DUMB!

Just recently some of those darn things began resurfacing.  It doesn't matter how happy or secure you are in life - there are times when it's not easy being happy and secure.  What I know now is that I cannot allow myself dwell on them or give life to them.  I have to squash them!!  I have to make sure I don't cloak myself in them and wear them around for two and three days as if I'm proud of them.  Shaking the feelings off is far healthier for my peace of mind, my kids and my relationship because I'm not projecting negativity.  So often our minds create the non-existent problem and if we aren't careful we will lose what we hold closest to us.  It's amazing how negative energy can sweep in and destroy what's beautiful.

If you can do anything today - take the time to remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts.  You can change them - make them positive!  Cast out those negative thoughts and get busy living in the here and now.  Give yourself a chance at living a happy and healthy life!!!

Today is a good day, it's a new day, a great day to begin again!!!!

Exercise

Oh my word! This has been an area of complete confusion in my life! In my younger years I had the metabolism of a 4 year old.  I could eat anything and maintain my lean lengthy figure.... those were the days!! Lol!! Then came babies and ohhhhh how it changed.  I remember listening to the influential women in my life warning of change.  How they'd comment that my poor eating habits would one day catch up to me... but I knew me.  I knew I would always be thin!! Hahaha....I was a tad delusional.  The years of perfecting family meals consisting of the appetizers, main course, sides, bread and desert began showing on my 5'8" frame.  My once size 8 figure began growing and I just dismissed it.  It seemed that was the norm for women in my circle at that time.  I can remember shopping for clothes at one time and feeling mortified, but again... I dismissed it.  My self image took a back seat to the compliments of my cooking and the satisfaction I gained from happy eaters.

I stopped looking at my youthful photos -I could no longer relate to that girl.  it wasn't until my marriage began unraveling that I began thinking about my body again, or my image.  You know that divorce diet? I went on that thing!! I embraced the lack of hunger, the nausea and saw my body shrink. In my confused state of mind I felt I was on the road to becoming healthy... again, I was wrong!  I needed to exercise something far greater than my body.  I needed to exercise my mind, my self value and worth.  That feeling that hit when I realized I was no longer the object of my ex-husband's desire was by far worse than the pounds I had padded myself with.  Somehow I needed to want to look at myself again, want to dress cute again, want to feel beautiful on the inside and outside again - but that process took time.

I can recall the first stages of liking me again.  It began by prayer.  LOTS and LOTS of prayer.  I saw a wonderful Christian Counselor who helped me realize the feelings of low self esteem, doubt, bitterness were all normal in the divorce process.  But I really wasn't ready to love myself.  I self sabotaged.  I made terrible decisions, decisions that would bring further guilt and shame on myself over the next couple years following my divorce.  Poor relationship choices are the worst.  I needed someone to constantly affirm I was wanted...and the man I chose to give that affirmation was truly the last person I should have ever dated or fell for.  But I did...and again, paid the price.  Through that time though, I realized again, what I didn't want for myself and my daughters.  I had to exercise my inner strength and move on.  I know in that decision, I found a Jamie I had never known.  I was worth so much more than what I had allowed myself to believe and receive.  Change was happening.

I wish I could say that was my last mistake...it wasn't.  But what I can say is....there came a point in my life when I realized what I wouldn't go through again, not one more day.  That was my turning point.  I know I had begun allowing God to restore all my brokenness.  I know I opened that part of my heart and mind back up to Him to where He was able to begin the healing process.  I needed to trust in Him again, myself, my family, my friends before "love" with any other person was ever going to be possible and sustainable.  How thankful I am that God is a God of love, healing, restoration...a God who never leaves us.

Today...whether I have a man in my life or not.  I know I am worthy, loved, wanted, needed, adored, by my children, family, friends, church, BY GOD, and myself.  Don't get me wrong....I am truly blessed to be loved by the man in my life.  He has added to the joy in my heart in more ways than I can count.  But in the terrible chance that he would choose to exit stage right....I know THIS time...I am strong and healthy.  I have exercised my inner strength and continue to daily.  I am better than okay and will survive.  My prayers would be that doesn't happen, because I believe I have finally found the man who I want to finish my last chapter in life with.

Thankful today for everything in the past...because my present is beautiful - I am a blessed woman to be able to love myself again.  Have a wonderful day and know you are loved, beautiful, and enough!!

Fear

It's a four letter word, that word.  It's mean, it's cruel, it's funny.  I love watching Ellen DeGeneres scare the guests on her show.  She not only scares her guests but her staff; they are always on the lookout for when and where Ellen is going to jump out and startle them.  It makes for great entertainment.  I don't know how many times I have watched her assistants go through the Haunted House Tours..cracking up as they scream and push each other just to get away from the scary people.  I just love it! But then again...it's not happening to me. =)

I know as a parent we all experience a level of fear the first time we leave our newborn with a friend or family member, or drop them off at their first day of daycare or kindergarten.  We worry about a plethora of things.  Will they be okay, will they get lost, will they miss us, will they make friends? Those are real and valid fears that we experience and learn how to manage.  The fears change as they grow, but we are somehow more equipped to keep it all in perspective, guiding them to make wise choices in preparation for adulthood.  Fear takes the back seat to hope.

As an adult - I have found I have new fears.  I have found myself worrying about the strangest things...like, my lawnmower, weed eater, hoses, my tires, the plumbing, what weed killer works best?  Do I use charcoal or wood chips, do I need to clean the gutters out, or maybe I should have someone show me how to change the brakes on my car so I can save money?  Oh man, it's crazy what has gone through this mind.  My biggest though...is how do I protect my family?  What do I need to do to know we are okay?  I have raised them to be strong, independent women but do they feel safe?  I pray for God's protection over my children and grandson, I pray that God opens the doors for them that need to be opened and shut those that aren't good for them.  I pray that He's with them at all times and helps guide them in their decisions.  I have locks on the doors, I pay the bills so they have food, water, shelter...but is that enough?  I say, it has to be.  I have to trust...it's going to be okay so I don't let fear become my driving force.

We have to keep fear in it's place.  We can't allow it to dictate our mood, our health, our happiness.  If fear takes root in our minds and heart it can and will destroy us.  I'm not talking about the funny Ellen kind of fear, I'm talking about the fear of others, the fear of self destruction, the fear of letting others down, the fear of becoming a failure.  We have to find a way to trust that it will work out.  We have to be able to let go of fear and grab a hold of peace.  In peace we find rest, we find better health, we find a deeper happiness.

In my quest of a healthier today, a healthier home, a healthier relationship with my boyfriend...I am finding peace is of the utmost importance.  If I'm driven by fear...fear of the unknowns, the what if's, the why's....I won't be able to live in the moment.  I have to let go, and trust in what I may not be able to see or feel... Life is short - go live it today!!! Live with HOPE not fear!!!

Recharge your batteries

I think we've all experienced a power outage.  Lights flicker, giving us a warning that soon and very soon the electricity will cease to pulse through our homes and businesses...we know, change is coming.  We try to prepare for the event by having candles, flashlights, plenty of batteries, blankets, etc... but there are times we are caught unaware.

Life is a little like that.  We can prepare, we can save, we can stock up on the necessities but there are times...we are just caught unaware.   I have experienced some major upsets in my lifetime.  First losing my mother at the age of 7.  How was I to be prepared for that?  I couldn't have been - all the preparation in the world would not bring comfort to a small child who is suddenly left without a parent.  Death catches us - unaware.  Divorce, yeah, that one caught me unaware.  I "thought" I was safe....but low and behold, I wasn't.  I could help a hundred others who were going through the same discomfort, yet I...was unaware.  The news I was going to be a grandma...although my grandson is the greatest blessing...I was caught unaware.

Love and relationships can catch you unaware.  One day is bliss, the next...not so much.  I'm finding now in this new phase that with all I've lost...and when I say lost, I don't mean I'm a loser...I mean I've lost - or I've missed in my life - I know I'm prepared to handle hurts and disappointments and the unknowns.  Will it be easy? No.  Will I complain some? Yes.  Will I probably cry? No doubt.  I'm human and I know the sting of hurt.  With that being said, I know the joy of love.  I have too much hope and faith in the future to allow past hurts, present hurts and disappoints to keep me from enjoying love and life.  I'm truly thankful we are all given the chance to start over.  Love is beautiful and amazing...it's the electricity that keeps our relationships alive.

I want to work each day at keeping that battery charged!  It's a privilege to let my kids and grandson know I love them, to let the man in my life know I love him and appreciate him.  Take time today to recharge your batteries.  Take time to plug some positive energy into those you love and appreciate. It's amazing how it cycles back to you.   Have a great day!

Faith

I know we've all heard the term, perhaps used it in a sentence or two but exercising it is all together different.  It's foreign for many, faith.  What is faith, how do we obtain it? How can people rely on their faith?  I think for me...in this new walk in my life I have to look back on how I've arrived here and say it's been because I've always had a measure of faith.  I've always believed that my life was meant to be great.  That I was meant to have a beautiful future filled with love, hope, joy and peace.

I have a beautiful life, my children are healthy and happy.  My grandson is healthy and happy.  I have love in my life with an incredible man.  I have an amazing group of friends and family who are of great support to my girls and I.  I have a job which pays the bills, I have food in my cupboards, fuel in my car and a beautiful church which I'm able to get direction and keep my faith strong.  Each day I have the choice to exercise my faith and keep it strong or neglect it and let it diminish in it's strength. Let me tell you...it's not always easy.

My faith has been tested as of late.  I know it's all a part of the process in life.  We are all tested at one point or another - it just seems for me, it's been a lot!  There are days when I just want to throw my hands in the air and ask God, "Why Me?"...but then I already know the answer.  God hasn't left me, He hasn't neglected me or turned away from me.  He's concerned about my needs, my cares, wants and desires.  That's exactly why I'm able to stand tall today with confidence and know in my heart it will all be okay.

Today, on this Friday before Easter...I'm thankful for faith, thankful I can trust in what I can't see or feel.  Thankful for a God who sees me through each day.  Thankful for love....  It's a good day to be me!

Have a blessed and wonderful Easter!  Spend it with those you love, make memories...life is too short to waste a beautiful promise!

Words

Yesterday is over...today is a new day.  Its a bright new day for fresh starts and new beginnings.  Or at least for some of us it is.

Sometimes the words we say...or others say cause those new beginnings and fresh starts to stop dead in their tracks.  Words that are hurtful or words that are said to cause a reaction out of someone else aren't always the best when your in the process of starting over.

Please be careful about speaking without thinking first.  Our mother's warnings hold true for us all today.  Words are tricky...they can be used to build up and tear down.  When you have peace in your life, your relationship, your family and trouble comes knocking at your door, remember that trouble knocked - and you have the power to keep the door shut or open it up and let it walk right in.  Remember that trouble didn't start on the inside of your walls - it was let it.  Don't turn on one another...but link-up arm to arm, form your alliance and push that trouble right back out the door.  As adults who are working diligently at protecting our new beginnings we have to do just that, protect each other.  Don't use words as swords that can cut deeply and leave scars.  Use your words to build each other up... support one another, encourage each other - I promise you if you do, you'll be stronger than ever.  You won't regret the words you can't take back.

So truly, if you have said something that has caused hurt...apologize.  It's nothing more than words after-all.  Two little words, "I'm sorry".  Those words have the power to pick up the pieces and help you begin again.  It's amazing how those two little words stop so many from ever reaching their full potential.  Try it today  -  see if it helps you on your path to starting over...

Bumps in the road

Today started like any other...I really wished I could stay in bed for just a little while longer... ya know to at least 7:00 AM?!!  But no...at 5:30 this morning, I rolled out of bed...thanking God for another day.  I haven't felt good the last couple of days, stomach flu or something had me down.  I hate being down...afraid to miss out on something - life!  But I did it...took my shower, dressed and got to work still feeling weak from being down and out...and the day began.  Nothing unusual for an April Fool's Day...just began.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to see him at lunch - having to make up for the lost hours and all....but that's okay, he understood.  Love that about this man I adore....he doesn't make me feel guilty when things don't go exactly as they are supposed to, he understands.
That's what's wonderful about being adults and starting over again....when you find someone who's lost greatly, hurt deeply and made bad decisions...you know you're not alone.  You know that you both understand what it's like to appreciate something wonderful.  To give and take in order to see that THIS time...we get things right.

This time in my life...the lessons I've learned are valuable...they mean something to me.  I hold them on the shelf like a well worn, expensive study book.  I take them out...reference them for current days - apply the ones that hold weight in my situation and shelve the others for upcoming days.   I'm both teacher and student!! Love that...love that I can still learn at this stage in my life.

Today I learned to listen to brokenness in another human.  To relate and to not sit in a place of judgement but just sit...just sit and listen.  I didn't need to offer opinions or self experiences...for at one time in my life, I needed an ear.  I needed someone to just listen.  Just hear my hurt, hear my fears, hear my needs.

I'm so happy I got out of bed today, got to work, told my children and the man in my life how much I love them and appreciate them....and took that call.... Today may be a great day for new beginnings for more than just me....

Blessings

I started my morning thinking about my blessings.  I have my health, my family, my church, my job, my friends, a car that runs, animals who love me...and peace in my heart.  That in itself is such a huge blessing.  I can remember the sleepless nights, the turmoil that sat in the pit of my stomach for days on end, the loneliness that seemed to never leave.  I had absolutely no peace in my life.  I had no idea how I was going to pay my bills,  feed my daughters, feed the little dog who never left my side...more than that, I had no hope of finding love again.  Not the love a man brings, the love of self again.  You see, I like so many others took the painful reality of divorce as a reflection of ME.  I figured that since I wasn't the woman my husband was looking at longingly, I was ugly.  I was fat.  I was unattractive.  I was unwanted.  I wasn't enough.  I couldn't look at myself as having value or worth...outside of being a mom and an ear to others, a shoulder for their pain or a voice of empathy.  I lost the hope of finding anyone who would want me...because of course, I was unwanted.  Right???  Wrong!!  I fell in that trap so many fall into, self-pity.  We didn't divorce because I wasn't enough.  We divorced, period.  Things happen.  Life happens.  End of Story.

Once I got through the self-loathing, self inflicted guilt, patterns of depression....and truly examined myself...I realized...I'm amazing!  I am worthy!  I am beautiful, happy, wonderful, amazing, sexy, smart, NICE!! I began feeling it again for myself without needing affirmation from others.  I began seeking my own approval and telling myself how much I love me.  I do!  I love who I was as a girl, young lady and now woman of today.  It's a good day to start over...each and every day I have the choice to be THAT girl...the woman of integrity, of value, of worth.  I am she!

I know I make mistakes....wow, so many.  I know I have this side of me that doesn't always see the positive, but man...I hate that side.  I want, deeply want...to be the woman I am proud of.  My daughters can be proud of...the man who says he loves me can be proud of.  Today, I'm doing my best to look past the negative things life throws my way...stay in the positive and keep walking with my head held high.  Love starting over!!