It's a new day

Today is the day.  The day to write it all down.  The day of inner reflection.  How did I get here, when did I decide I was "ok"?  It wasn't when life "crashed" for me, that I know.  At some point along the way though, I decided I was going to make it and finish this life strong.  As a woman who chose to marry her best friend in my early 20's, I thought I had it all figured out.  We would travel, we would explore life together.  We were "safe" - as best friends.  We chose to have children, laughed and cried during the pregnancies of both amazing daughters, now 20 and 17.  We chose to live close to his family and serve God in his family's church.  We chose to take family vacations with the church and our church friends.  We chose to establish our daughters in a beautiful, yet very strict church (nothing wrong with the church or their beliefs).  Our life "seemed" right.  It "seemed" full.  It "seemed" like it would pass the tests of time.  It didn't.

I know now, as much as I "thought" I loved my daughters' dad (who will remain nameless).  I didn't know what real/true love was.  I played the role of wife, friend, mother, daughter-in-law, preacher's wife for nearly 17 years.  I made wonderful friends and relationships, I supported my husband in all his doings and was a happy member of his family.  What I didn't realize was I had lost myself along the way.  Things that mattered deeply to me, like childhood friendships and stronger bonds with my side of the family.  Watching my daughters grow up like I was able to, riding horses, motorcycles, playing sports...going to school dances, picking out a new bathing suit for summer fun.  Little things that later became monumental...I lost my zeal.  I lost that deep laugh that I felt to my core.  Not because I was "unhappy" but because I let go of my roots.  No one to blame but myself.  In a way, I'm thankful to my ex for the things that caused me to want out of our marriage because through it all...the pains, hurts, denial, acceptance, restoration...I have found myself.  I have learned my strengths and weaknesses.  I'm the new and improved version of Jamie.  I'm happy.  I'm healthy mentally, physically and spiritually.  What a journey it's been!

Today as I'm walking MY new walk...I stand a tad taller, head held a bit higher, my confidence is returning in full force.  It's a process both beautiful and painful at times, but the point I often remind myself of is..I am a work in progress.  No one will determine my end result but me.  I am a human filter...I listen to the opinions of others, some I take on to better myself, others...I let go of because they don't work for me.  I am finding my inner strength again.  Today...I can say, I love me.  This is a wonderful possession that money didn't buy, a man didn't buy, my children didn't buy, my family and friends didn't buy...I did.  I paid the price of losing myself - I paid the price of broken hearts, a broken family, lost friendships, lost jobs, misery, despair....I paid it - this love I have today was purchased through several years of self discovery.  I know who I am today because of it all.  I love who I am today.  I am Jamie.  I am a mom of two amazing daughters, a proud gramma to a beautiful grandson and the girlfriend of a man I adore.

So happy to be here.